matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize