Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
