Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
