We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
