I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
