So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
