My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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