Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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