you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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