I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
