I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
