Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
