yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
