This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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