Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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