she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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