The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
