They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
