I think I died a long time ago.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
