i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
