fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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