Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Randomize
