Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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