Are we in a gay sports bar?
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I use my feet as sexual weapons
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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