then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
