I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
