for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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