You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
