dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
