last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize