The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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