i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
