Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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