I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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