Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
