Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
