i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
too bad you live with your parents still
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
