Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
