I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Randomize
