Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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