there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
he told me I talked like a deaf person
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
