we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
