i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
