did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
