WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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