That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
