Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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