Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
