I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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