So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
