she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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