We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
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