I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize