Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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