You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize