After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
