no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
