hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
