you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
