i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
