sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
