I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
