I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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