omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
