fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I need a beard to bite.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
