how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Less talking, more tequila
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Randomize