If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i drank out of a bidet.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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