does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
