I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
