My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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