I molested 6 butterflies tonight
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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