Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
