just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
