I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
